literature

The Old Man

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Literature Text

         It was a long way and by the time Avanna had finally arrived at her destination, the sun was setting and her brow was lined with sweat. There was a bench in front of her with cherry blossoms that scattered the wooden seating and on the right of the bench sat an old man. His face seemed gentle and kind, and his smile radiated warmth. Avanna took in a deep breath of air and admired the sight; she had traveled so far to be here.

         “This evening is so much lovelier than I could have ever hoped.” She whispered to herself. “The sun, the trees, the flowers, the warmth, and the old man – my grandfather.” Avanna started again towards the bench and she began to feel the strain in her legs. The work of her long journey had finally caught up with her and took its toll on her muscles during her short break of admiration for the long awaited atmosphere. And when she sat on the bench, she released the breath that she had been holding in for so long. At last, she could relax and she turned to look at the old man. His hands were resting in his lap and even though Avanna could see the sadness in his eyes, his smiled never faltered.

         Avanna knew that her grandfather was no longer able to speak and so she returned his gaze with a loving smile and she took his hands in hers. She wanted to show him that she was strong and able to care for another; she needed him to know that she was loving and kind and that she would be there for him in his time of loneliness. Avanna knew that this was the place her grandfather came to often and that he felt separated from the rest of the family, that he felt forgotten. But she would never be like the others, she will always make this journey to come see him, and she would never forget.

         The two of them sat like that for a long while, unmoving until the sky began to glitter with few stars. Avanna was enjoying the beauty of the sky and the stillness of the night air when she heard a door slam. It was followed by rushed footsteps that were getting louder and the voice of female called out her name.

         “Avanna… Avanna! I found you!” Exclaimed the woman. “I’ve been looking all over for you when I remembered how fond you were of this spot!” The she swept up Avanna and cradled her in her arms, “You need to let mommy know where you’re going. You can’t just go willy-nilly all over the place; not even in our own backyard silly girl!” She stopped talking to stare at the bench for a few moments and as she turned towards the house she muttered, “How did you get onto that bench anyways…”

         Avanna just pointed to the bench and said “Buh-buh Gampah.”

         “Oh, you like that statue of Grandpa?” said the woman looking to the left of the bench where the statue stood. Then she turned towards the house once more.

         “Buh-buh Gampah” This time Avanna said it with much more sadness in her voice as the distance between her and the old man grew larger. She watched his essence fade away until no trace of him was left behind. The place where he sat was now empty, but on the other side of the bench Avanna saw the sad eyes of the statue come to life.
How do you interpret it? :)
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C-A-Harland's avatar
This is a critique from Writers--club 

This is a very interesting piece and I love the twist at the end, with grandpa being a statue. However, Avanna's character is very unclear, to begin with she appears to be a young woman (or perhaps even an old woman). They way she stops to admire the atmosphere and comment on the trees and flowers is not what one would expect from the mind of a child, yet it is apparent when the mother turns up that that's what she is. This alone makes the story seem very disjointed and creates a large break in the continuity. 

Having Avanna as a toddler is very sweet, in that it allows us to understand how she might project an idea of her living grandfather onto the statue, however her thoughts, comments and general behavior in the beginning contradict this. 

You have a great concept, and the metaphor behind it is wonderful too, however if Avanna's role was more clear, it would be even more powerful.